For much of my life, caring for my body has been complicated. I started thinking about my weight and my body when I was very young, and somewhere along the way I began to believe that caring for myself meant constantly trying to change myself. There was always something I needed to fix, a new plan I needed to start, weight I needed to lose, or a version of myself I thought I needed to become. I have started over more times than I can count. I have promised myself that Monday would be different, that tomorrow I would eat better, exercise more, be more disciplined, and finally get it together. Even during the times when I was doing well, I could still find something wrong. Instead of being proud of myself, I would think that I should have done it sooner or wonder how long I would actually be able to keep it up. Looking back, I realize how much of what I called motivation was actually disappointment in myself.
My faith has made me look at all of this differently. I believe my body belongs to God and that I have a responsibility to care for what He has given me. I still believe discipline matters. I still want to become healthier, stronger, and more consistent in the way I eat, move, rest, and care for myself. I am not trying to convince myself that health does not matter because it absolutely does. What I am questioning is the belief that shame has to be the thing that gets me there. I have spent enough years criticizing myself, being disappointed in myself, and believing that if I could just finally get my body right, I would somehow feel better about who I am. That approach has never given me the kind of lasting change or peace I have been looking for.
That is really where Body Grace Letters began. I wanted a place to talk honestly about what it looks like to care for our bodies without pretending that it is easy and without turning every struggle into another reason to feel ashamed. I want to talk about food, exercise, discipline, body image, self-respect, faith, starting over, and all of the ordinary choices that make up the way we care for ourselves. I also want to talk about what happens when we don't follow through, because that is part of this too. I know what it is like to make promises to myself and break them. I know what it is like to become discouraged by the scale, to feel like I am not making progress, and to let one bad choice become an excuse to give up altogether. I am learning that one difficult day does not have to become another lost week, and one imperfect choice does not mean I have failed.
I am not starting Body Grace Letters because I have mastered any of this. I haven't. I am still working through my own relationship with my body, food, exercise, discipline, and the way I speak to myself. I still have things I want to change, and I still have days when the old thoughts come back. The difference is that I no longer want to believe I have to hate where I am in order to move toward where I want to be. I want to learn what it looks like to take care of myself steadily, to keep promises to myself, to get back up when I don't, and to pursue health from a place of gratitude for the body God has given me rather than constant disappointment in it.
I have a feeling there are other women who understand this more than they might admit. Maybe you have spent years starting over too. Maybe you have stood in front of a mirror and immediately noticed everything you wished were different. Maybe you have told yourself that once you lose the weight, get in shape, or become more disciplined, then you will finally feel good about yourself. If any of that sounds familiar, I hope Body Grace Letters can become a place where we talk about it honestly. I don't want this to be a space where I stand on the other side and tell you how to get everything right. I want it to be a place where we learn what faithful care can actually look like in real life, including the imperfect parts.
I want to become a healthier woman. I want to be strong. I want to make wise choices with food, move my body, take care of myself, and live with greater discipline. But I also want something deeper than another temporary attempt at changing my body. I want the way I care for myself to reflect what I say I believe about God, about grace, and about the value of the life and body He has entrusted to me. That is what I hope to explore in these letters, and that is why I created Body Grace Letters.
I am glad you are here.

With love,

Autumn